In this life, there are people that you meet and they just
chime with you. You meet and there is an instant click and an affinity; you get all high and bouncy on that initial click and it can feel like you’ll be friends for a substantial wodge of time. Sometimes that is the case. Sometimes you find your brother from another mother, or your sister from another mister, and that is it. I had that with a few folks from uni and we are still in touch. There are people I’ve met along the way in this life, and we are get on great and we clicked.
I very rarely fall out with people. I’m blessed that for the most part, my relationships with others are pretty chilled out and arguments and fall-outs really haven’t figured much in my life as I’ve whirl-winded through everything I’ve ever done. I am by no means friends with everyone- that’s just not possible- but largely, relationships are on a level and courteous. Relationships wax and wane and interactions change by the very fact that we’re human; we move house, change jobs, break up, get together, have kids, get dogs. All that stuff.
But sometimes life happens and it changes interactions or people change and the mood changes. Things change and you can’t always say how or why, but there is a change. But sometimes you can pinpoint the moment where that happens and others you can’t.
Whichever way that falls, it can be really bloody upsetting. Sometimes you can get past it and other times you can’t. Sometimes you want to get past it and sometimes, on the one hand you might want to but you really don’t on the other because you are utterly fuming, and devastated and embarrassed and all the negatives. But mainly angry and feeling a real bloody bit stupid.
Dynamics changing are something I find really hard. I need communication – talking things through, even when they’re hard is really important and when people go quiet, it concurrently makes me want to launch them into the stratosphere and undo everything (however minor) that I may have done to perhaps, potentially, maybe, possibly upset that person, take it away and make everything better. The latter tends to prevail with me, and I tend to ignore when people are crappy to me at times because I wobble with self-esteem – yey for neuro-spiciness and ‘big’ feelings. So I beat myself up and try to find ways to smooth over chasms and forego what I want or ignore the fact that when I have literally cried out for support, it isn’t forthcoming or I’m greeted with shittiness.
I’ve distanced myself gently from a couple of people who haven’t been kind and that was actually quite easy- gentle unconnecting but other people it is like a wallop in the stomach when I think of that.
So to move on, or not- some relationships are really bloody complicated and there have been a few hurts in the last year or so. Probably should but just not sure how without hurting my soul and ripping myself to bits with some people.
It’ll be reyt but it’s not the most fun when you’re in the middle of it.
